As I grew older

I came across a poem by Langston Hughes that hit home today.  It's called As I Grew Older. Enjoy:

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun—
My dream.

And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky—
The wall.

Shadow.
I am black.

I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.

My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

Anyone who knows me, knows this poem kind of describes my life.  I'll save you all the not so pleasant details.  I'm creating this blog as a therapy of sorts.  I've always expressed myself better in writing than verbally.  Perhaps that is part of my problem.  I hope this blog will highlight my journey though life and my struggle to keep walking through it. 

Here's one problem I'm struggling with lately: what is my dream?  I used to dream of being a wife and mom, then I dreamed of being a sucessful career woman, now....I'm not so sure.  Sometimes I want to be a devoted wife and mom, but I also want my career.  How will that work?  One or the other would surely suffer.  Here I go again getting ahead of myself and worrying about things that don't matter RIGHT now.  I'm not even close to being at a point in my life where I would ever have to worry about this! 

Do you ever feel like you're just going through the motions of life, but not really GOING anywhere?!  I guess that's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm just here, I don't REALLY matter much, I'm not REALLY headed anywhere, I don't REALLY have much to look forward to.  I know who I am but I don't know what I want.  What's a girl to do?  Keep going through the motions and maybe God will show me what to do.  That's what I'm praying for.