A two marshmallow kind of faith



PK gave a sermon that I am convinced was created just for me this past weekend.  I was a wreck, running on 1 hour of sleep and in desperate need of some inspiration and Godly wisdom.  He talked about having a two marshmallow kind of faith.  What does that mean?  Well, God has made us promises for our lives.  We must have patience and wait on His time.  Just because I wanted something NOW doesn’t mean its right for me. God is the only one who knows what is right for me.  So, instead of grabbing the first marshmallow that comes along, I’ll wait on my two marshmallows because it will be worth it.

Here are a few things I learned this week:

1. Mercy is treating someone better than they deserve.

2. Grace is not always a returned courtesy.

3. Contrary to popular belief, “sticks and stones will break my bones and your words CAN (and do) hurt me.”

4. The Lord is who I should run to for comfort.

5. Sticky notes with inspirational saying posted ALL over a bathroom mirror really does help to cheer you up.

6. I would like there to be theme music played (like the movies) everywhere I go.  This week I would have ‘Shadowfeet’ by Brooke Fraser as my theme song.

7. God has provided me with the most AMAZING support system a girl could ask for.

So, needless to say, I’ve had a rough few days.  However, God made me resilient, and resilient I will be.  I will come out on the other side better than I was before, better than I am now.  I do have something to offer, I will make someone happy someday, and I deserve to be treated as such.

My scarlett letter

Sometimes I feel like Hester Prynne walking around with a scarlet letter, only my letter is a ‘D’, for divorce.  The more involved in the church I become, the more I want to hide my past.  Not because I have unresolved issues or that I still beat myself up over my mistakes, but because I don’t want to be judged.  Who would?!

I don’t know anyone who can say that they have not felt judged at one point or another.  I also don’t know anyone who can say they haven’t been the one judging others.  Why do we do this?  The last time I checked God never gave me the authority to speak for Him.  Judging others, for any reason, is essentially speaking for God.  God is the only one with the authority to judge.  Why do we think we are so special that we can pass judgment on someone who is wearing the wrong clothes, has tattoos, is divorced, or did drugs?  The list could go on and on.  There is no hierarchy of sin; sin is sin no matter how you try to justify your own.  Everyone sins, everyone.  Jesus was the only being who was free of sin.  Therefore, how is anyone else’s sin worse than your own?  How can you judge?

Instead of judging others, why don’t we embrace them?  My family showed me tremendous grace during some of the darkest times of my life.  There were no questions, just an open set of arms to welcome me.  I did not fear judgment or persecution when I was kept in the protective circle of my TRUE friends and family.  We “church people” could show more mercy and grace, because that is what God has done for us.  When Adam and Eve betrayed God in the garden, he showed them mercy and grace.  He could have turned His back on us, but He hasn’t.  God is love; therefore, followers of God should give love.

My Curse

The definition of empathy, according to dictionary.com is: The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. Have you ever taken one of those spiritual gifts tests?  I have, and on every single one 'empathy' was always on the top of my gifts list.  Only-is it really a gift?

During this season of my life I'm going to focus on loving others.  Not because it's my choice, but because apparently God has decided that's what I should be doing with my time.  It seems like so many of the people near and dear to my heart are hurting right now-therefore, I hurt.

A family friend who is family in my heart is literally fighting for her life.  Not only does that break my heart for the struggle and uphill battle she is certainly going to face, but my mom's heart is breaking.  My closest girl friend has had to endure not one, but two surgeries in the past month.  One of these surgeries was on her thyroid, therefore, she could have a lifetime of medical side effects which scares her. 

Two of the best men I know have recently lost their jobs.  Both men are amazing and deserve the world, both have incredible potential.  It's not fair.  One of these men is very special to me and to see him walk through the uncertainty and pain is heartbreaking.  I see the rise and fall of emotion and I feel helpless because I cannot help.  I want to fix it, make it better, but I can't and that is frustrating.

Another close friend just laid her Granny to rest, only her Granny stepped in to be her mother when her mother wasn't a mother at all.  I know her heart is breaking and she is in pain.  Yet another wonderful friend has been dealing with a sick father and heartbroken mother for months now.  I can see her heart breaking.  She's putting on a brave face and standing tall even though I know she wants to crumble.  Her faith and strength amazes me and inspires me.

I feel what those near and dear to my heart feel.  When they break-so do I.  This is why I cannot sleep, why my mind never stops, why I feel helpless to do anything to help any of the these WONDERFUL people.  This is my curse.  God is challenging me, testing me, forcing me to walk through the pain-put my own trials and problems aside in order to be an asset to my friends and family.  Many of them need a rock, a safe place to fall, so-that's what I'll be, a rock.  Some just need a cheerleader or a smile, so that's what I'll do-cheer and smile.  I'm a fighter and I will fight for those I love-I'm ready for this fight.

As I grew older

I came across a poem by Langston Hughes that hit home today.  It's called As I Grew Older. Enjoy:

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun—
My dream.

And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky—
The wall.

Shadow.
I am black.

I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.

My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

Anyone who knows me, knows this poem kind of describes my life.  I'll save you all the not so pleasant details.  I'm creating this blog as a therapy of sorts.  I've always expressed myself better in writing than verbally.  Perhaps that is part of my problem.  I hope this blog will highlight my journey though life and my struggle to keep walking through it. 

Here's one problem I'm struggling with lately: what is my dream?  I used to dream of being a wife and mom, then I dreamed of being a sucessful career woman, now....I'm not so sure.  Sometimes I want to be a devoted wife and mom, but I also want my career.  How will that work?  One or the other would surely suffer.  Here I go again getting ahead of myself and worrying about things that don't matter RIGHT now.  I'm not even close to being at a point in my life where I would ever have to worry about this! 

Do you ever feel like you're just going through the motions of life, but not really GOING anywhere?!  I guess that's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm just here, I don't REALLY matter much, I'm not REALLY headed anywhere, I don't REALLY have much to look forward to.  I know who I am but I don't know what I want.  What's a girl to do?  Keep going through the motions and maybe God will show me what to do.  That's what I'm praying for.