Joy, Joyous, Joyful…..halleluiah

Pastor Kevin was on point this past Sunday when he spoke about Simple Joy.  His words were needed and true.  It got me thinking.  So, I was looking at the New Living Translation of the Bible on YouVersion today and decided to do a bit of research.  How many times does the word Joy appear in the Bible?  What about happiness, content, or grateful?  If the concept of Joy was as important as PK says it is, logically, it should appear many times in His word, right?  Here is what I found:

Joy appears 333 times.

Happiness appears 6 times.

Content appears 16 times.

Grateful appears 4 times.

Faith appears 458 times.

Pray appears 367 times.

Interesting.  I mean, we all know how important our faith is and how imperative it is to have a healthy prayer life-but I think we may have missed the meaning of Joy.  PK says that Simple Joy is being content without being complacent.  In order to be content you must be grateful and in order to avoid complacency, you have to constantly seek to grow.  Seems easy enough, right?  The concept is simple, but achieving it is not so simple.

Are you content with what you have?  Look around your house, do you see all that you have or all that you don’t have but wished you had?  Do you look at the people in your life and see God’s hand?  Do you look at someone less fortunate and think about how blessed you are?  Do you thank God for all that He has provided for you?  If not, you should.  We all should. 

I think we need to stop looking to our sides what our peers have.  We need to stop looking back at all that we used to have.  We need to stop looking forward to the day when we will have all the things we want.  We need to look up, at God.  If you spend your life thinking about all the things you wished you had, whether that is material things, the dream job, the comfortable salary, or the perfect husband and kids you will have a life lacking joy.  You will miss all the beauty and joy that surrounds you everyday.  I have food, I have shelter over my head when I sleep, and I have clothes on my back.  I have an abundance of friends and family who love me. I have faith and hope.  I can see God working around me all the time.  I have more than what I could ever need.  We all do.  We just need to get better about thanking the Provider of all those blessings.  When we focus on what we have and we give thanks for them, it’s hard to see anything else.

Maybe, if we practice this, we’ll see that we have abundance and start giving ourselves away.  We can then bless others with the gift of Joy.  After all, I think God really thinks Joy is important, considering He put it in the Bible 333 times.  That’s a lot of Joy.

How can you be more Joyful?

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. -Psalm 51:12

What really matters....

I'm tired. Like, really tired. I have filled my life with so much stuff but I think I left out any room to breathe. I find myself day dreaming of extra hours in the day or an extra day added onto my weekend. I'm sure you can relate. I cannot remember the last time I actually had an evening, afternoon, or morning to do whatever I wanted. If I do find myself with a rare block of time, I fill it up with my own "honey-do's". Clean, laundry, yard work, that project I've been putting off....you name it. I don't think I even know how to relax anymore. I am literally a ball of stress and that stress is weighing me down.

Cut something out of your schedule, you say? Hmmm. I thought about that. However, that would mean the slowing down of important relationships I've been building, less worship time, less time with my niece and family, less time helping others, less girl time. I DON'T want to cut any of those out.

I found myself whining today. I was feeling sorry for myself because I have too much on my plate and not enough time to do it all.  My to-do list is mounting in my head and I don't see a time in the near future that I can even start on some of this stuff. I had a phone conversation where I was actually complaining about my life and how busy it is.  Then, God put things into perspective like he always does.....

After I got off the phone, I decided to watch a 9-11 Ten Years Later documentary my brother had on his DVR. It was about the NYFD and video from a documentary crew who happened to be in Tower I with the firemen when Tower II collapsed. It was a heart wrenching story. You cannot help but be moved and effected by their story.

How does this relate to me? In every way. On the way home last night, I started thinking about what those men must have felt when the Tower's started going down. I'm sure they did not think of the petty little stresses of everyday life. I think they were probably focusing on what truely matters.  They were looking death in the face and I have a feeling they KNEW what was important in life. If I were in their shoes, what would I be worried about? The laundry? The unvacuumed floor? The shows on my DVR that I haven't had time to watch? The window sills that need repair? No. I wouldn't be thinking of any of those things. I would be thinking about the people I love. I would wonder if I had told them I love them enough.  If they knew how much they meant to me and they impact each of them have had on my life. I would wonder what my legacy would be, what people would remember about me. I would wonder if I had done enough to help others, if I had made a difference to someone. 

At the end of the day only 3 things REALLY matter to me. God, relationships, and serving others. I'm glad I had some time to reflect on my life and really see it for what it is. God took the hazy glasses off my eyes to allow me to see clearly for the first time in a long time.  My life is full of those things that really really matter to me. It's those things that keep me so busy. I'm realizing now that those things are nothing to stress over, they are to be cherished. I don't think I knew how blessed I was until now. I am so thankful for the gentle way that God shows me what is true and what is real. I have a full life. My question to you is: What matters to you and are you filling your life with those things?

Have a little faith...

Let's be honest for a minute. Life is really hard. Not just a little hard, but really hard. You know what is particularly hard about life? Waiting on God. Yep, I said it. I don't like waiting on God. I know I'm not alone in thinking that either. There have been days where I just want to throw a tantrum like I was a two year old.....stomping my feet, crying, sticking my lower lip out, huffing and puffing, the whole 9 yards. I've been blessed with a lot of things, patience is not one of them.

I want a lot out of life too. I think God places things on your heart for a reason. It's the waiting for Him to provide those things that is difficult. I had a conversation recently with a woman standing exactly where I was this time last year. She feels she's ready for love, ready for a husband, ready for all that comes with it. So much so that she walks into many situations with that on her mind. I know lots of people reading this can identify. It's a stressful place to be. But, God does come through EVERYTIME. He will provide the desires of your heart. He will take care of you.

The problem is, when you take control of the situation and try to provide all those things for yourself, you are literally taking it away from God. You are stealing his gifts. What we would find for ourselves is nowhere near as good as what he will GIVE to us one day. When you stop looking or stop trying to mold each person or situation to your liking, you are OPEN. Open to all that God WANTS to give you.

This time last year I would've never guessed what God had in store for me. Ohhhhh He has blessed me this year. All of the things I wanted, I have been given or He has filled me with the hope and faith I need to wait on those things. Once I stopped trying to force things, I could see clearly. I could see that even when I felt that God had abandoned me, He was there working on me little by little to get me where I am now.

So, while it's hard to wait, trust, and have faith-it's what we're called to do. We have to just give it to God. He knows what's best for us. If a door closes or slams (it does in some cases) it is for a reason. God will only give us the best and when He slams a door, it is certainly for the best. I challenge you to simply trust our Father, just trust Him. That's all.

Life in the rear view....

Don’t look back.....

Wise words, only I don’t feel that they always apply.  I think it’s good to look back.  Sometimes, that’s the only way to see how far you’ve actually come.  Be prepared though, the view in the rearview mirror may be eye opening.  You may not recognize the person you see……

Insecure.  Lost.  Disconnected.  Without purpose. Wandering. Scared.  Defensive.  Superficial.  Indulgent.  Addicted.  Dismissible.  Pretending.  These are words that describe the person I see when I look back at myself.  On the outside, I appeared to have it all together, I seemed happy….but I know the truth about that girl.  She was a liar and a really good actress.  She didn’t have anything together, she was fumbling and searching.  This story has a good ending though.  I was found.

*Side note: The description above does not reflect the good things and good people I had in my life-there were plenty, believe me.  I was just missing several pieces of my whole self.

It wasn’t some giant epiphany that turned my life around; it was tiny step by tiny step.  It was as if I was a puzzle, except I was missing A LOT of pieces.  The first piece: Church.  At first it was a place I would go occasionally on Sunday’s with my brother and sister-in-law.  Then it was a place I would go occasionally by myself.  Which turned into a place I looked forward to going EVERY Sunday.  

The second piece: Breaking up with cigarettes and getting healthy.  It’s been 10 months and 19 days since I had my last cigarette.  September 24^th used to just be my brothers birthday-now, it’s my freedom day too.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and by far the best decision I’ve ever made.  I think the impact came more from respecting the body that God gave me and the personal triumph of actually being able to quit cold turkey after 11 years of addiction.

The third piece: Connecting.  This was a little harder for me.  I used to sit at church alone and look around at all the “friends” who were meeting for church.  I wanted that, but I didn’t know how to get there.  I joined a small group and I really enjoyed the connections I made with other new believers.  It still wasn’t the right fit, I needed more.  Enter-the Transitional Community at 12Stone (now known as Leverage).  I signed up the first day of small group sign ups.  I couldn’t wait to be in group with other women in the same life stage as I was.  Walking into Emily Tuten’s home would prove to be a pivotal moment in my life.  I made friends that I KNOW will be bridesmaids in my wedding and who will hold my hand throughout my entire life.  The impact that some of these wonderful women have had on my life cannot even be put into words.  I was lost and they found me and introduced me to what a relationship with our Lord actually looks like. They challenge me, support me, encourage me, and laugh with me.  I also met a wonderful man of God who showed me what a healthy relationship looks like.  He doesn’t expect me to be perfect and actually likes that I’m not.  For the first time in my life I feel accepted and beautiful.  What a wonderful feeling.

The fourth piece: Giving myself away.  Serving-I started serving in the nursery at church and I went on my first mission trip to Guatemala.  I have discovered that I love giving myself away.  What’s even more surprising to me is that God has actually used me to do His work-who would’ve thought that was possible 2 years ago?  Not me!  Now I’m going to serve and give back to Leverage, the community that has given me a life worth living.

Confident. Healthy. Strong. Driven. Faithful. Hopeful. Kind. Happy. Blessed. Grateful. Content. Happy. Happy. Happy.  These are the words I would use to describe myself now.  God certainly is good.  So you see, it’s not always bad to look back.  Sometimes, it makes you appreciate looking down at yourself in the present and excited to see yourself in the future.

The big 3 ohhhhhhh......

30… Ouch.  The thought of actually, for real, undeniably being 30 years old in a few weeks is not pleasant.  I don’t know what it is, 30 really isn’t that old.  It’s just not 20 or 16.  Those numbers exude youth and vibrancy.  30 sounds like responsibility and the beginning of aches, pains, sagging, wrinkles and the occasional grey hairs popping up.  

I seem to find myself reflecting on my life.  Where I thought I would be and where I actually am.  I wanted to be lots of things ‘When I Grow Up’.  First up, dolphin trainer.  This career goal started around the age of 7 or so and continues to enter my mind from time to time, kind of like the ‘dream that got away’. I wanted to live on the ocean and play with dolphins all day everyday.  I read everything I could get my little hands on about dolphins and seriously considered myself an expert on the species.  I felt confident that I could do the job better than anyone else, including any adult with the proper qualifications who was currently doing my dream job.  The fact that I needed the Hope scholarship to go to college and the University of Miami’s marine biology school was in Florida, where I couldn’t use that scholarship, killed my dream.

At some point around 11 or 12 I decided I wanted to be a doctor.  First it was a Pediatrician then I narrowed it down to an Anesthesiologist.  After all, the way I saw it, they didn’t have to do very much and made a boat load of money.  Then I learned that instead of 4 years of college, it was more like 10+ to accomplish this goal.  I gave up on having an MD after my name.

What do you get when you combine animals and medicine?  My job.  It’s kind of funny, I literally combined aspects of those two dreams to come up with the career I settled on and pursued.  It all worked out.  Although, I would still move to the Bahamas to be a dolphin trainer if given the chance.

I always thought people who were 30 had it all figured out.  That they had their stuff together.  Ha!  I was really wrong.  I don’t have anything figured out other than a few things:

• There is a God and I trust Him and I will spend my life following Him.
• Ranch dressing goes with everything
• Sparkly things will always catch my eye
• People falling down, mascots, and funny animals will never get old
• There’s no sense in stressing out about things I have no control over
• If I make life plans and timelines, God laughs.
• Good friends are hard to come by and worth holding onto

Let’s be honest, I’m not where I thought I would be at 30.  I don’t have the husband or perfect little mini-me’s running around or the high paying job that is super rewarding.  And since we're being honest....it's totally ok that I don't have those things.  I have plenty of time for those things, if it's what God wants for my life.  I do have a lot of great friends, some really stellar key players in my life, a great job that can take me places, a good heart, a lot of hope, and a lot of faith.  It's not what I thought of my life when I thought of 'Jenny at 30', but it's exactly where I need to be.  I’ve seen what God can do with little ‘ole me in a short period of time and I can honestly say I’ve never been so excited about my future.  It’s looking brighter and brighter every single day.  Bring it on 30!

Mi corazón

I went into this mission trip with no expectations.  I didn’t know what to expect.  I put 100% of my faith in God that I would be where He needed me to be, doing what He needed me to do, and He would keep me safe and healthy the whole time.  Trust God, that’s all I needed to do to make this a successful trip.  I’m not ready to talk about the sad things I saw or the pain my heart felt.  I do want to share some bright moments though.

I tend to get frustrated because I don’t feel like I can hear God speak to me.  Either I don’t notice the little nudges or that’s just not how He speaks to me.  So, whenever He yells at me, I need to listen.  He certainly got my attention on the first night.  On the plane ride down, I sat next to Ashley McLean and through general conversation; I basically shared my testimony with her.  I didn’t think much of it, just sharing with a friend.  Then at dinner, Pastor Luis called for a few people to share their testimonies at church the next day.  He said that the people of Guatemala think that American’s have it easy, that we never struggle or have hardships such as divorce, addiction, let downs, ect.  So, I sat there, heart racing knowing that God was speaking to me.  Divorce, check.  Addiction, check.  Life’s let downs, check.  Then Ashley turns to me and says, “Do you feel that?”  Yes, Ashley, I did.  I knew that I was supposed to share my testimony.

After we ate, we sat around talking as a team and Sabrina Joseph shared her testimony.  Powerful does not even begin to describe it.  I sat there wondering why God wanted me to share my not so powerful story when Sabrina was also going to be sharing her’s.  Her story is miraculous, mine is just normal.  I can’t ignore God though, even though I wanted to, so I brushed off the self doubt and tried to prepare for the next morning.  

I gave my testimony with the translation help of Pastor Luis.  During that experience, God taught me a lesson.  Sometimes, it’s not about how your actions effect others, sometimes it’s just about obedience.  God spoke, I listened.  I could have ignored His request of me.  Instead, I obeyed.  Maybe my story wasn’t as powerful as Sabrina’s.  Maybe my story didn’t affect the Guatemalan people in a deep way.  It did affect my relationship with my Father, that’s what matters.

Joy.  That’s what I saw in the innocent eyes of the precious children.  Pure joy.  They have nothing, but they don’t know it.  They love freely, smile all the time, and care for perfect strangers.  We could all learn from them.  I have everything but still want for more.  I can easily put a wall up and not love.  I could serve more, care more.  Those babies gave me more than I could ever give them.  I clearly saw my faults and I will work on them.  I will forget how to build my walls.  I will open my heart more.  I will be more thankful.  I will give more of myself away.

I was also blessed to be on this trip with someone very dear to me, mi novio-Matt.  Having someone by my side that I trust 100% was such a blessing.  I was able to see this wonderful man doing wonderful things.  I got to see him interact with kids for the first time.  He was amazing with them and they loved him.  I was standing in the church in Panyebar and looked out the window to see him scoop up a little girl, hug her tightly, and spin around with her in his arms.  My heart melted.  I was also able to see him as a leader.  He led devotionals one night and he knocked it out of the park.  He is more encouraging and faithful than I ever knew.  I am so blessed that God allowed me to see Matt in this light.  It made me that much more thankful to be his girlfriend and to have been given a second chance with him.  The future is looking brighter and brighter everyday.

So, that’s just a little touch of what I was given by Guatemala.  There is no way that I could ever repay the people for what they have taught me.  My heart is open and beating loudly, it will never be the same.

Power trip.....

We, as people, have been given an extraordinary power that most people don't even know they possess.  We all have the power to affect others in profound ways using only words.  How we choose to use or abuse this power, well....that's what I want to talk about.

Have you ever said something mean and hurtful to someone, knowing full well that your words would sting?  I have, many times.  We all know the buttons to push, the sensitive topics, the painful places deep within.  Some people choose to expose and exasperate those weaknesses for their own negative purposes.  Whether that's to control someone or to make them hurt like you hurt, either way....it's wrong.  Words do hurt.  They are powerful things.  They can sink in and stay there for a lifetime.  They can control you.  They can take the beautiful and make them feel ugly.  The can take the confident and make them feel inadequate.  They can and do change people.  Some words can be so damaging that years and years down the road they still affect you, almost control you.  That's powerful stuff.

We also have the ability to use this power for good.  Have you ever had a bad day and you're feeling down only to have someone be kind to you and all is well?  A smile goes a long way.  It transcends generations and languages.  It has the ability to comfort and encourage.  It's also contagious.  When we find the weakness in others, we should use our power to help them overcome their challenges, not bring them down.

We have the power to actually change people.  Let me say that again, we can change people.  I know there are people I've come across who have changed me, both for the good and for the not so good.  Words have come my way that have raised me to new levels and words that have left me in dark places and deep holes.  I choose to raise people up, to smile at a stranger, to encourage a child.  I will not use my power for anything negative or selfish.  I will choose my words wisely.  I've seen the damaging effects first hand and I don't want to negatively impact anyone.  So, the next time you speak, thing about what you are saying.  How you are changing someone.  I hope it’s a positive change.

Knight in shining armor....

They don't make them like they used to.  The knight in shining armor is a thing of the past.  The man who is honest, respectful, caring, brave, gentle, loving, chivalrous, devoted, and faithful is a rare find these days.  My great uncle Leamon was one of these men. 

Uncle Leamon was born in 1922 in rural Kentucky where he lived and worked on a farm until he entered the Army and was sent to Europe in WWII.  He served honorably, receiving multiple promotions to the rank of First Sargent and ultimately receiving the Purple Heart.  He returned to Kentucky where he spent his days working the farm and loving his wife.  He was a quiet man, but when he spoke-you listened.  He was a faithful man too.  God was first in his life. 

The world has lost a great man.  In my opinion, one of the last of a fading breed.  Uncle Leamon has taught me many things.  How to properly approach a bull.  How to walk through the pasture without stepping in cow pies.  The reason to hold on when riding a horse (thanks to the tractor driven by my brother scaring the horse that I was on).  How to live a life that God would be pleased with.  How to love someone with all of your heart and soul for a lifetime......just to name a few.

You will be missed Uncle Leamon.  In closing at his funeral, the pastor said something like this: We know that Leamon got a warm welcome when he met Jesus.  I imagine that he heard "Well done, my faithful servant, well done."  I can only hope to hear those same words one day.

Leamon Smith

Oct. 11, 1922 - May 20, 2011

Sunshine on my shoulders.....



at·ti·tude – noun (dictionary.com)

1. Manner, disposition, feeling, positiong, etc., with regard to a person or thing; tendency or orientation, especially of the mind.

2. Position or posture of the body appropriate to or expressive of an action, emotion, ect.

Attitude is a subject that seems to be popping up a lot lately.  The amazing John Maxwell got to me with his attitude talk at 12Stone a few weeks ago.

'God decides what happens to you, you decide how you react to it'. ~John Maxwell

How true that statement is.  His message really hit home with me and I started a little experiment at work the next week.  The goal was to see how my positive attitude would affect others.  What I learned is that it was contagious and that I was the one who benefited the most from it.  I was happier, less stressed out, I smiled more, and I was more patient.

Having a good attitude is a lesson that was hard for me to learn and one that I am still learning, and that I'm happy to learn.  Many of you know that I sometimes struggle with my health and right now, it is a struggle.  However, if I get upset or depressed or pull out the 'why me' card, what does that accomplish?  How does that help the situation?  It doesn't, it only makes it worse.

In small group last night, we were talking about how God places us in situations that are sometimes difficult or painful to prepare us for something more, or to teach us something that we will use in the future.  In 2000, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 oral cancer and was given a 5% chance to live.  I literally thought my father was going to die, that he would never walk the down the aisle at my wedding, and that he would never hold my children.  It was a hard pill to swallow.  I watched my dad get depressed, but I also watched him remain faithful to the Lord, relying on his Father for strength and comfort.  Throughout it all, his attitude was good, he didn't stress out about the future because it wasn't his to stress out about.  I didn't know it then, but that was a lesson I would need to learn myself.  My father beat the odds and is still with us, praise God.

When I was faced with my own health issues, I was mad; I'm not going to lie.  I didn't understand why I had to deal with this disease or even HOW I was going to deal with it.  Slowly but surely God changed my heart and that lesson I learned watching my father nearly a decade earlier came flooding back.  I CAN do this because I have Him holding my hand and walking with me every step of the way.  My attitude has played a huge role in how I deal with my issues.  That's not to say that I don't have bad days and 'poor pitiful me' days, because I do.  However, I try to keep those to a minimum.  I try not to stress out about all the things that I have no control over, because all that does is hurt me.  Let's face it, there are very few things in life that we do have control over, one of those is your attitude.  So, if a good attitude makes even the worst situations a little brighter, why not go with it?!  After all, having a bad attitude just brings you down.  There's enough in this world working to bring us down, we shouldn't contribute to it.  So, how's your attitude today?

Ode to mom...

Mom: Darn it!

Jenny: What?

Mom: I should have had the people in Lisbon write Emma’s name in Portuguese.  Remember when Uncle David did that for you and Matt when he was in China?  That was such a great gift, now I wish I had done that for Emma.

Jenny: You do realize that the Portuguese share our same alphabet letters, right?  Therefore, her name in Portuguese is spelled, E-M-M-A.  It looks no different than how we would write it.

Mom: Really?

Jenny: (laughing now) Ummm, yes mom.  Really.  In China they use characters; in Portugal they use the alphabet.

Mom: (laughing now too) Oh. Ok, never mind.  Forget I ever said anything.  

*Ps.  I don’t forget

Mom: Hello!  How are you?

Italian cabbie: I good.

Mom: This is such a lovely place, were you born here?

Italian cabbie: Hotel King, yes.

Mom: No, were you born here?

Italian cabbie: Shopping area there.

Mom: Have you lived here your entire life? (Nearly yelling now, as if this would make him understand)

Jenny: Mom, I don’t think he speaks English, you should stop talking to him.

Mom: Yeah, I guess so.

Italian server: Here is your food.

Mom: Grazie (pronounced: GHRAT-seee)

Jenny: Mom, its grazie (pronounced GHRAT-zee-A), not with a ‘see’ on the end of it.  It’s more of an ‘a’ or ‘eh’.

Mom: No, it’s not. 

Jenny: Yes mom, it is.  Listen closely, its quick, but its there.

Mom: No, it’s not.

Jenny: Yes it is!  (pulling out Italian phrasebook, then showing her the pronunciation) See, GRAHT-see-yeh.

Mom: Fine.

Mom: I need to think of something that Emma can call me besides Grandma.

Matt: Ok, well, what do you want her to call you?  

Summer: Grammy?

Jenny: Granny Lynn?

Matt: Nana Lynn?

Mom: What about sugar?

Matt/Summer/Jenny: WHAT?!?!?

Mom: Seriously.

*silence* *birds chirping* *pins dropping*

Matt/Summer/Jenny: (all rolling on the floor laughing)

Mom: Fine, I’ll just be Grammy.

Matt/Summer/Jenny: (still on the floor laughing)

Summer/Jenny: *singing* Ooohhhh Sugar…awww honey honey…..

*this continues to be a source of laughter between the family*

Happy Mother’s Day to my wonderful mother, Lynn Long.  We may not always see eye-to-eye or agree on much of anything at all, but I love you and you make me smile.  I enjoyed my time in Europe with you, even if we did get on each others nerves from time to time.  Memories made there cannot be shared by anyone other than us and I will cherish them forever.  You are a special woman and I would not be the independent, strong-willed woman I am today without you.  I hope you weren’t offended by my poking fun at you, after all, that’s how our family says, “I love you.”

In the words of my mother: “Jennifer Anne!  You just cooked your goose!”

Curiosity: Not always a good quality

Picture this: Beautiful piazza in Florence, Italy.  People everywhere speaking all sorts of languages.  Stars shine down to the open air restaurants that line the piazza.  Somewhere nearby there is a man playing New York New York (weird, I know) on an accordion.  The smell of fresh prosciutto, basil, and tomatoes fill the air.  Are you there?  I was.

Now, after I ate every last bite of a calzone that was bigger than any calzone I'd ever seen in the states, I needed to pee.  So, I find my way into the tiny women's restroom only to find a type of toilet I'd never seen before.  Now, side note.  This is a common occurrence in Italy, or Europe for that matter.  There are toilets of all kinds, normal ones, lidless ones, a hole in the ground (yes, seriously, a hole in the ground), and some crazy self-sanitizing lid type toilet.  This was my first encounter with the latter design.  I see the lid stuck at a 50 degree angle and my curiosity is sparked.  What is this?  How does this work?  The instructions on how to use this amazing contraption are on the wall in front of me, but I don't read Italian. 

So, I go by what the pictures are doing.  I push the lid down. Step one.  Only, I didn't realized that the lid was going to pop right back up.  So, I let go after I had bent over the torture device to get a better look.  The lid pops up so fast that I didn't have time to react, I was lucky I didn't get hit in the face.  Then, out of nowhere, blue smelly liquid comes shooting out of the back of the toilet coating the lid.....and my face.  I, of course, scream.  Then I start laughing and I cannot stop.  I'm sure that whoever was in the tiny bathroom with me was so confused about what was so funny in the stall next door.  I walked back to my table, where the sweet smells of delicious Italian food had been overtaken by the smell of sanitizer for some reason, and relay the story to my mom.  She laughed too.  The moral of the story, whenever you investigate how a toilet works, DO NOT bend down to...wait, who am I kidding.  Don't investigate toilets in foreign countries.

How to be free.....

Romans 6: 3-4

3 Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized in his death? 4 We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

This was the daily Bible verse that appeared on my phone this morning thanks to an app called DailyBible.  This verse, in my opinion, was God speaking to me.  You see, I’ve been struggling with a message I heard at Good Friday services last week.  I was lucky enough to be able to attend the Passion City Church services at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater to hear some amazing worship music and the wise words of Louie Giglio.  At one point in the service Louie was going over the things that Jesus took off our shoulders when he was crucified.  Two of those things were not something I had thought about before, Guilt and Shame.  These are two things that I have a lot of.  It was like someone punched me in the stomach.  Jesus took all of my guilt and shame with him to the cross?!  So, why am I still holding on to those toxic emotions?

How dare I keep holding onto the shame and guilt of the events in my life when Jesus died so that I didn’t have to bear the weight of those emotions?  How selfish of me.  It’s not my pain to carry because He’s already carrying it.  He died so that I didn’t have to carry that burden for my whole life. Here’s the problem.  I don’t know how to let it go.  I know I need to let it go, give it to God, finally be free…..but how do I do that?  I don’t know how to get from A to B.  I’m really struggling with this right now and I’m at a loss of what to do.  

I brought it up in small group and in a one on one with a wise friend.  The general advice was to pray for God’s help.  So, that’s what I’m doing and doing it often.  We’re reading ‘Forgotten God’ by Francis Chan and the past weeks chapter was about what we fear when it comes to the Holy Spirit.  I fear not being able to hear the Holy Spirit or not being able to feel the pushes and pulls from Him.  So, when I read the DailyBible verse this morning, I heard Him.  He is speaking to me and I can hear Him.  Slowly but surely I’m stripping off the broken layers so that the true me that God personally made can shine through.  With Him, nothing is impossible.

What Italy taught me about friendship....

I had an epiphany while I was in Italy.  It came about in a strange way, but left an impression on me.  Let me set the scene….I was chatting online with a friend one afternoon. He was upset and down about something, so I tried to help.  I became frustrated because everything I was doing to try to help make him feel better wasn’t working.  I didn’t know what to do, but I could feel his pain and I wanted nothing more than to take it away.  See, I have a bad habit.  I always try to fix things, even when they’re not mine to fix.  I want to make it all roses and lollypops. 

While I was chatting with him, I happened to be going through some pictures from my trip.  I came across one of some beautiful stone pillars-and it hit me.  A friend and a pillar are one in the same.  Let me explain.  A pillar is a symbol of strength.  It holds an enormous amount of weight all while making it look effortless.  Sometimes people use the pillars to lean against when they need a rest, sometimes they just step back and admire them, and sometimes they expect the pillars to hold the weight of an entire building without faltering.  Just like friendship.

I think that I could and should take a lesson on friendship from a pillar.  Take my friend for an example.  At that moment, he didn’t need me to carry all the weight of his problem, he didn’t need me to fix it or make it better, he didn’t even really need me to lean on, he just needed me to be there standing strong assuring him that he isn’t alone.  So, that’s what I did.  I stopped trying to fix the problem, I stopped trying to cheer him up, I was just me…I listened and told him he was in my prayers, because honestly, that is the only thing I could really do for him.  

I learned that, as a friend, I may be called to carry the load for a struggling friend, I may be asked to be a shoulder to cry on, and I may be asked to simply just be there.   I will strive to be a good pillar in the lives of my friends.

The gray fuzzy place where newbies live......

A newbie.  That’s what I am.  I’m relatively new to this world that God created for me.  I grew up in a Baptist church but stopped attending around 10 years old when my parents were divorced.  I spent the next 17 years only going to church on major holiday’s….if I was forced to.  I lived my life for me, not answering to anyone.  I’m extremely independent and the thought of “answering” to anyone, human or Maker, was not part of my plan.  I made mistakes, fell down, gathered up scars on my body, heart and mind; I hurt several people along the way.  Of this, I am sorry and ashamed.

Then one day, Summer (aka. My Angel whom I thank God for EVERY SINGLE DAY) invited me to church.  It was not the first time she had extended the offer, trust me.  For whatever reason, I accepted.  I was at a low place in life, not the lowest I’d been, but not in a good place by any means.  I remember forcing back tears through the service.  The next visit was mother’s day and I couldn’t stop the tears then.  The music hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was sitting there, with my family, enjoying my time with God.  This is what I had been missing all along.  I had tried to fill my life with “stuff” and “people” and addiction, none of it was what I needed.  I needed God.  Well, I found him.

I’ve been on a journey ever since.  My dear dear friend Emily describes the walk with God as a walk up stairs.  You go up the stairs, then there’s a landing, you go up some more, there’s another landing…so on and so forth.  Throughout your walk you may trip and fall down a few stairs, you may go down to the previous landing and stay there a while; you may run up a few flights before stopping to rest.  I can certainly relate.  I stumble and trip all the time. 

I’ve been struggling with my feelings of not fitting in for a while now.  I have church friends and non-church friends.  My non-church friends remember the non-church Jenny and have a hard time accepting the new version of myself.  I don’t smoke anymore, I don’t drink, I try to be a good person, I try to help others, ect.  This is a hard pill for many of them to swallow.  So, I tend to feel like I’m under a microscope.  If I curse, I feel like I get the “but you’re supposed to be a Christian” look.  If I have a bad day and I’m not nice, I get the same look.  Just because I’m trying to walk with God, doesn’t mean I am God.  God is the only perfect one, not me.

Then I have my church friends.  I am so thankful for them, but to be honest, I feel inadequate a lot of the time.  I am farther behind in my walk than most of them, I don’t know the Bible or the people in it, , I don’t know a lot of the do’s and don’t, and I don’t know most of the old hymns.  I feel stupid sometimes when I’m around them.  This is coming from me, not them, they’ve never made me feel lesser or unworthy. 

So, I have a hard time knowing where I belong or feeling like I belong somewhere.  I’m in the gray fuzzy place where newbies live.  I know I’m making leaps and strides toward God and I know I’m on the right road; it’s just a hard road to be on when you feel alone.  When I look back at my past I feel so unworthy of Jesus.  He sacrificed so much for me, I don’t feel deserving.  I’m in awe of His love every single day.  I wish I could go back and do it all over again, but I can’t.  I guess there’s only one thing I can do…..keep on walking with my God and hopefully I’ll figure it all out.

Adele listens to my conversations with God?

Music.  It makes my world go ‘round.  Sometimes I wish my life was like a movie in the sense that there was music playing in the background at all times that was significant to my story line.  There are times when a song seems to have been written just for me, for what I’m feeling at that EXACT moment.  A few songs that come to mind, like ‘Always’ by Kristian Stanfill.  That song nearly brought me to my knees in tears the first time I heard it and occasionally makes me cry when I hear it now.  ‘Safe’ and ‘You’re beautiful’ by Phil Wickham had the same effect on me. 

The latest song that has my attention is ‘One and Only’ by Adele.  Now, my interpretation of this song is probably not what she had intended.  However, in light of recent events in my life, this song could not be more perfect for me.  I’ve recently decided to be baptized and I’m very excited about this.  I can’t think of anything that I’ve been this excited about.  However, it’s been a long road to get to this point.  I’ve had many conversations with God in the struggle for control of my heart.  Ultimately, God won, but I put up a good fight.  Those of you who know me, you know how stubborn I can be.  My Father knows that too, so He was persistent.  When I heard Adele’s song for the first time, it was as if she listened to the conversations that I’ve had with God in the fight for my heart.  So, here are the lyrics the way I see them (my dialogue is in pink, God is in blue).

You've been on my mind,
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time,
Just thinking of your face,
God only knows why it's taken me so long to let my doubts go,
You're the only one that I want,

I don't know why I'm scared,
I've been here before,
Every feeling, every word,
I've imagined it all,

You'll never know if you never try,
To forgive your past and simply be mine,
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only,
Promise I'm worth it,
To hold in your arms,
So come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts,
If I've been on your mind,
You hang on every word I say,
Lose yourself in time,
At the mention of my name,
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close,
And have you tell me whichever road I choose, you'll go?

I don't know why I'm scared,
'Cause I've been here before,
Every feeling, every word,
I've imagined it all,

You'll never know if you never try,
To forgive your past and simply be mine

dare you to let me be your, your one and only,
I promise I'm worth it, 
To hold in your arms,
So come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts,
I know it ain't easy giving up your heart,
I know it ain't easy giving up your heart,
Nobody's pefect,
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),
Trust me I've learned it,
Nobody's pefect,
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),
Trust me I've learned it,
Nobody's pefect, (I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),
Trust me I've learned it,
Nobody's pefect,

(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart), Trust me I've learned it,

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only,
I promise I'm worth it,
To hold in your arms, So come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts,
Come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts.

So, God won, He’s taken over my heart and I could not be happier.

My Giggle Box

I think it’s safe to say that it’s pretty easy to make me laugh.  I love to laugh and I find humor in most situations.  However, there are a few things that get me laughing every time.  Let’s discuss.

What makes me laugh?  People falling down.  Honestly, they don’t even have to fall all the way down, a simple wobble and I’m hysterical.  I don’t even have to be there to witness said wobble/fall, I just hear the story and I’m done.  Case in point, my brother telling me the story of my mom falling off the curb near the CNN center.  Yes, she hurt herself (and I really did feel bad for her), but I was crying I was laughing so hard at this story.  I’m not biased either, when I fall down I laugh at myself too.  Let’s take the story of how I came to be known as Jenny Thong.  This story takes place in 1995 when I was a freshman at Collins Hill High School.  I was making my way down the grand staircase between classes wearing high heels and a skirt that was WAY to short.  I tripped and fell down the first set of stairs.  Now, at this point about half of the students in the area noticed the fall.  So, I got back up and made my way down the second set of stairs only to fall AGAIN.  This time, I land face down with my skirt up to my chest….exposing…..well, you can guess.  Hence my nickname that I have yet to shake (thanks to Alan Joseph)-Jenny Thong.

What makes me laugh?  Mascots.  I’m not sure where this came from, but to see a mascot at a sporting event dancing around cracks me up.  There is a real person underneath there!  It’s so funny to me to see the duck’s tail feathers dancing around or the giant mouth of any mascot engulfing an innocent bystanders head.  Hysterical.

What makes me laugh?  Kids and animals doing kid like or animal like things.  It is so funny to see a little kid trying to play a sport or a dog chasing his tail.  What gets me are the videos that combine the two.  Picture this: a toddler wandering through a back yard garden when all of a sudden a cat comes flying out of nowhere like a crazed flying squirrel only to hit the kid in the face before running off.  Way to funny.  This is why AFV is one of my favorite shows; they play animal and kid videos all the time.

What makes me laugh?  A select group of comedians.  Chelsea Handler, the Hot Pocket guy, and my new favorite-Daniel Tosh.  Did you know that kangaroos cannot jump backwards and that babies aren’t dishwasher safe?  Daniel Tosh taught me that.  I’ve read all of Ms. Handler’s books and literally laughed out loud while reading all of them. 

So, the next time you see someone fall, or a silly mascot, or a funny kid…..just know that somewhere, I’m laughing.