The gray fuzzy place where newbies live......

A newbie.  That’s what I am.  I’m relatively new to this world that God created for me.  I grew up in a Baptist church but stopped attending around 10 years old when my parents were divorced.  I spent the next 17 years only going to church on major holiday’s….if I was forced to.  I lived my life for me, not answering to anyone.  I’m extremely independent and the thought of “answering” to anyone, human or Maker, was not part of my plan.  I made mistakes, fell down, gathered up scars on my body, heart and mind; I hurt several people along the way.  Of this, I am sorry and ashamed.

Then one day, Summer (aka. My Angel whom I thank God for EVERY SINGLE DAY) invited me to church.  It was not the first time she had extended the offer, trust me.  For whatever reason, I accepted.  I was at a low place in life, not the lowest I’d been, but not in a good place by any means.  I remember forcing back tears through the service.  The next visit was mother’s day and I couldn’t stop the tears then.  The music hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was sitting there, with my family, enjoying my time with God.  This is what I had been missing all along.  I had tried to fill my life with “stuff” and “people” and addiction, none of it was what I needed.  I needed God.  Well, I found him.

I’ve been on a journey ever since.  My dear dear friend Emily describes the walk with God as a walk up stairs.  You go up the stairs, then there’s a landing, you go up some more, there’s another landing…so on and so forth.  Throughout your walk you may trip and fall down a few stairs, you may go down to the previous landing and stay there a while; you may run up a few flights before stopping to rest.  I can certainly relate.  I stumble and trip all the time. 

I’ve been struggling with my feelings of not fitting in for a while now.  I have church friends and non-church friends.  My non-church friends remember the non-church Jenny and have a hard time accepting the new version of myself.  I don’t smoke anymore, I don’t drink, I try to be a good person, I try to help others, ect.  This is a hard pill for many of them to swallow.  So, I tend to feel like I’m under a microscope.  If I curse, I feel like I get the “but you’re supposed to be a Christian” look.  If I have a bad day and I’m not nice, I get the same look.  Just because I’m trying to walk with God, doesn’t mean I am God.  God is the only perfect one, not me.

Then I have my church friends.  I am so thankful for them, but to be honest, I feel inadequate a lot of the time.  I am farther behind in my walk than most of them, I don’t know the Bible or the people in it, , I don’t know a lot of the do’s and don’t, and I don’t know most of the old hymns.  I feel stupid sometimes when I’m around them.  This is coming from me, not them, they’ve never made me feel lesser or unworthy. 

So, I have a hard time knowing where I belong or feeling like I belong somewhere.  I’m in the gray fuzzy place where newbies live.  I know I’m making leaps and strides toward God and I know I’m on the right road; it’s just a hard road to be on when you feel alone.  When I look back at my past I feel so unworthy of Jesus.  He sacrificed so much for me, I don’t feel deserving.  I’m in awe of His love every single day.  I wish I could go back and do it all over again, but I can’t.  I guess there’s only one thing I can do…..keep on walking with my God and hopefully I’ll figure it all out.