The gray fuzzy place where newbies live......

A newbie.  That’s what I am.  I’m relatively new to this world that God created for me.  I grew up in a Baptist church but stopped attending around 10 years old when my parents were divorced.  I spent the next 17 years only going to church on major holiday’s….if I was forced to.  I lived my life for me, not answering to anyone.  I’m extremely independent and the thought of “answering” to anyone, human or Maker, was not part of my plan.  I made mistakes, fell down, gathered up scars on my body, heart and mind; I hurt several people along the way.  Of this, I am sorry and ashamed.

Then one day, Summer (aka. My Angel whom I thank God for EVERY SINGLE DAY) invited me to church.  It was not the first time she had extended the offer, trust me.  For whatever reason, I accepted.  I was at a low place in life, not the lowest I’d been, but not in a good place by any means.  I remember forcing back tears through the service.  The next visit was mother’s day and I couldn’t stop the tears then.  The music hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was sitting there, with my family, enjoying my time with God.  This is what I had been missing all along.  I had tried to fill my life with “stuff” and “people” and addiction, none of it was what I needed.  I needed God.  Well, I found him.

I’ve been on a journey ever since.  My dear dear friend Emily describes the walk with God as a walk up stairs.  You go up the stairs, then there’s a landing, you go up some more, there’s another landing…so on and so forth.  Throughout your walk you may trip and fall down a few stairs, you may go down to the previous landing and stay there a while; you may run up a few flights before stopping to rest.  I can certainly relate.  I stumble and trip all the time. 

I’ve been struggling with my feelings of not fitting in for a while now.  I have church friends and non-church friends.  My non-church friends remember the non-church Jenny and have a hard time accepting the new version of myself.  I don’t smoke anymore, I don’t drink, I try to be a good person, I try to help others, ect.  This is a hard pill for many of them to swallow.  So, I tend to feel like I’m under a microscope.  If I curse, I feel like I get the “but you’re supposed to be a Christian” look.  If I have a bad day and I’m not nice, I get the same look.  Just because I’m trying to walk with God, doesn’t mean I am God.  God is the only perfect one, not me.

Then I have my church friends.  I am so thankful for them, but to be honest, I feel inadequate a lot of the time.  I am farther behind in my walk than most of them, I don’t know the Bible or the people in it, , I don’t know a lot of the do’s and don’t, and I don’t know most of the old hymns.  I feel stupid sometimes when I’m around them.  This is coming from me, not them, they’ve never made me feel lesser or unworthy. 

So, I have a hard time knowing where I belong or feeling like I belong somewhere.  I’m in the gray fuzzy place where newbies live.  I know I’m making leaps and strides toward God and I know I’m on the right road; it’s just a hard road to be on when you feel alone.  When I look back at my past I feel so unworthy of Jesus.  He sacrificed so much for me, I don’t feel deserving.  I’m in awe of His love every single day.  I wish I could go back and do it all over again, but I can’t.  I guess there’s only one thing I can do…..keep on walking with my God and hopefully I’ll figure it all out.

Adele listens to my conversations with God?

Music.  It makes my world go ‘round.  Sometimes I wish my life was like a movie in the sense that there was music playing in the background at all times that was significant to my story line.  There are times when a song seems to have been written just for me, for what I’m feeling at that EXACT moment.  A few songs that come to mind, like ‘Always’ by Kristian Stanfill.  That song nearly brought me to my knees in tears the first time I heard it and occasionally makes me cry when I hear it now.  ‘Safe’ and ‘You’re beautiful’ by Phil Wickham had the same effect on me. 

The latest song that has my attention is ‘One and Only’ by Adele.  Now, my interpretation of this song is probably not what she had intended.  However, in light of recent events in my life, this song could not be more perfect for me.  I’ve recently decided to be baptized and I’m very excited about this.  I can’t think of anything that I’ve been this excited about.  However, it’s been a long road to get to this point.  I’ve had many conversations with God in the struggle for control of my heart.  Ultimately, God won, but I put up a good fight.  Those of you who know me, you know how stubborn I can be.  My Father knows that too, so He was persistent.  When I heard Adele’s song for the first time, it was as if she listened to the conversations that I’ve had with God in the fight for my heart.  So, here are the lyrics the way I see them (my dialogue is in pink, God is in blue).

You've been on my mind,
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time,
Just thinking of your face,
God only knows why it's taken me so long to let my doubts go,
You're the only one that I want,

I don't know why I'm scared,
I've been here before,
Every feeling, every word,
I've imagined it all,

You'll never know if you never try,
To forgive your past and simply be mine,
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only,
Promise I'm worth it,
To hold in your arms,
So come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts,
If I've been on your mind,
You hang on every word I say,
Lose yourself in time,
At the mention of my name,
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close,
And have you tell me whichever road I choose, you'll go?

I don't know why I'm scared,
'Cause I've been here before,
Every feeling, every word,
I've imagined it all,

You'll never know if you never try,
To forgive your past and simply be mine

dare you to let me be your, your one and only,
I promise I'm worth it, 
To hold in your arms,
So come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts,
I know it ain't easy giving up your heart,
I know it ain't easy giving up your heart,
Nobody's pefect,
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),
Trust me I've learned it,
Nobody's pefect,
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),
Trust me I've learned it,
Nobody's pefect, (I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),
Trust me I've learned it,
Nobody's pefect,

(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart), Trust me I've learned it,

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only,
I promise I'm worth it,
To hold in your arms, So come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts,
Come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts.

So, God won, He’s taken over my heart and I could not be happier.

My Giggle Box

I think it’s safe to say that it’s pretty easy to make me laugh.  I love to laugh and I find humor in most situations.  However, there are a few things that get me laughing every time.  Let’s discuss.

What makes me laugh?  People falling down.  Honestly, they don’t even have to fall all the way down, a simple wobble and I’m hysterical.  I don’t even have to be there to witness said wobble/fall, I just hear the story and I’m done.  Case in point, my brother telling me the story of my mom falling off the curb near the CNN center.  Yes, she hurt herself (and I really did feel bad for her), but I was crying I was laughing so hard at this story.  I’m not biased either, when I fall down I laugh at myself too.  Let’s take the story of how I came to be known as Jenny Thong.  This story takes place in 1995 when I was a freshman at Collins Hill High School.  I was making my way down the grand staircase between classes wearing high heels and a skirt that was WAY to short.  I tripped and fell down the first set of stairs.  Now, at this point about half of the students in the area noticed the fall.  So, I got back up and made my way down the second set of stairs only to fall AGAIN.  This time, I land face down with my skirt up to my chest….exposing…..well, you can guess.  Hence my nickname that I have yet to shake (thanks to Alan Joseph)-Jenny Thong.

What makes me laugh?  Mascots.  I’m not sure where this came from, but to see a mascot at a sporting event dancing around cracks me up.  There is a real person underneath there!  It’s so funny to me to see the duck’s tail feathers dancing around or the giant mouth of any mascot engulfing an innocent bystanders head.  Hysterical.

What makes me laugh?  Kids and animals doing kid like or animal like things.  It is so funny to see a little kid trying to play a sport or a dog chasing his tail.  What gets me are the videos that combine the two.  Picture this: a toddler wandering through a back yard garden when all of a sudden a cat comes flying out of nowhere like a crazed flying squirrel only to hit the kid in the face before running off.  Way to funny.  This is why AFV is one of my favorite shows; they play animal and kid videos all the time.

What makes me laugh?  A select group of comedians.  Chelsea Handler, the Hot Pocket guy, and my new favorite-Daniel Tosh.  Did you know that kangaroos cannot jump backwards and that babies aren’t dishwasher safe?  Daniel Tosh taught me that.  I’ve read all of Ms. Handler’s books and literally laughed out loud while reading all of them. 

So, the next time you see someone fall, or a silly mascot, or a funny kid…..just know that somewhere, I’m laughing.

The L Word

I was diagnosed with discoid lupus in 2009.  A skin biopsy that I was sure would come back as nothing, was actually something.  I immediately googled it and subsequently, completely freaked out.  I was told that I need to wear high SPF everyday, that I need to avoid being out in the sun (I love the sun, by the way), and that I could also have systemic lupus, but they would need to run more tests.  Well, a few of those blood tests came back showing something was up, but nothing really definitive.  I was told to wait and see if I got any symptoms of the systemic form.  Then the random joint pain started. 

In early 2009 I had my first joint injection, in my right hip.  At the time I had no idea that I had lupus, so when the orthopedic doctor was baffled at how I had an injury usually associated with car accidents or falls from high places that I had no explanation for, I brushed it off.  I got the steroid injection and felt better, didn’t think about it again.  Then in 2010, my left shoulder pain started.  Now, this time I had actually fallen down my stairs a week or so earlier, so I didn’t think much of it.  Radiographs showed inflammation so I got another steroid injection.  The pain went away but came back about 7 or 8 months later.  Then my back went out leaving me alone, screaming in pain in my closet one morning feeling very scared and helpless.  I was told by the chiropractor that inflammation in my right hip (same hip as before) caused my pelvis to shift therefore pulling on my lumbar muscles eventually causing them to contract and spasm.  He said this kind of thing was usually seen after car accidents.  I just shook my head as he kept pressing me for some event that would have resulted in this injury.   I know I have systemic lupus, I don’t need any blood test to tell me that.  Now, my left shoulder….again.  Lupus.  Stupid lupus.

Lupus is one of those diseases that likes to hide.  There is no specific test that can be done.  There are a handful of blood tests that could suggest lupus, but generally it’s diagnosed by a combination of symptoms, blood work, and family history.  I have yet to get a definitive diagnosis based on my blood work.  I go back on Wednesday for more testing, maybe this time my blood work will be out of wack considering my lupus is as active as it has ever been right now. 

It’s my own body attacking itself for any number of reasons.  I could get a mosquito bite and end up with a lesion in the same spot 2 weeks later.  I could get stressed out and a week or so later, a joint won’t move.  It’s random and very frustrating.  Mostly, it makes me embarrassed.  I don’t like to be seen without make up on.  I feel ugly without it.  I feel ugly most of the time with it on too.  When I look in the mirror, I see the lesions and the scars and the butterfly rash across my nose and cheek that never goes away. Growing up I was constantly reminded of how pretty I was.  “Oh, your daughter is so pretty”, “you have the prettiest eyes”, ect.  It was never about how smart I was, or how beautiful my heart was, or how funny I was….it was always about my looks.  So, when I was diagnosed with lupus, my life changed forever and so did my “beauty”.  Now I have scars all over my arms, bumps all over my body that takes weeks to go away, and a desire to hide under my covers so nobody sees me.  I guess now I feel like the girl who “used to be pretty in high school”.

This is not something that is going to go away; this is something I have to deal with my entire life and it could get a lot worse.  I’m tired of it already, how am I going to last a lifetime?  The thought of it all just makes me cry.

I was listening to Phil Wickham’s song ‘You’re beautiful’ yesterday on the way home.  I couldn’t help but think about how I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone who will see me without make up on and HONESTLY say, “you’re beautiful”.  It makes me sad to think about.  Not only that, but what happens when my body is broken and I can’t do things?!  I don’t know what scares me more, burdening a future husband with my health problems or not having anyone around to help me.

I have no control over this.  There is nothing I can do about it.  I try to stay positive, be grateful that it’s not worse than it is, trust that someone will come along who will love me for me, continue to be active and not let it dictate my life, and to be thankful that having to wear SPF 70 everyday could very well prevent skin cancer too.  I don’t want to complain because I KNOW things could be so much worse for me.  I feel terrible about even bringing it up because there are so many more people who struggling with illness too, I’m no more important than they are.  I should just suck it up and play this card that was handed to me, but I’m tired.  Sometimes I don’t want to deal with it, I don’t want that constant reminder that something is wrong with me, I just want to feel pretty again.

I know I’m not alone though, even though I feel that way at times.  He is with me.  Another Phil Wickham song, ‘safe’ is hitting close to home right now.  Funny, because I’m going to see him tonight at church perform it, God is funny that way.  Listen to the song and you’ll know why I’m clinging to it right now.  Another little something that caught my eye in small group last week and I wrote it down:

For I bear on my body the scars that show I belong to Jesus. Galatians 6:17.

I will keep my head up, I’ll smile even when I don’t want to, and I’ll get up and participate in my life because I have no other choice.  The alternative is even more depressing than my reality.  I will try to focus on the amazing things I have in my life, like amazing friends who have supported me and held me up when I just wanted to sink down in a puddle of my own tears.  I have an amazing family, a great job, loving dogs (silly, but they really do help me), and I still have the sun, even if I have to wear SPF 70. Anyways, just a glimpse into what I’m struggling with right now.  Thanks for reading.