Funks and Resolutions...

New Year…new resolutions, right?  I’ve never been one to make resolutions.  Mostly because I could never stick to them, so to avoid failure, I stopped making them.  Brilliant, I know!  This year is a little different though.  A personal funk has brought about a new resolve for the New Year.  

The past few months have been rough for me.  I’ve been challenged, felt down and defeated, frustrated and somewhere along the way I’ve lost my confidence.  In conversations with friends, I know I am not alone in this personal battle right now.  I have been praying for help and direction on how to get out of this mess for a while now.  The past few days, I’ve received some answers.  First, the series at church is about digging in and overcoming obstacles.  Hello.  Right on time.  Then, I happened to read 2 things today that helped me, so I am going to share so that it might help you too.  

First, leave it to Jon Acuff to put a great spin on feeling like you aren’t hearing God (http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2012/01/the-beautiful-reason-god-might-not-be-talking-to-you-right-now/).  Thank you Leverage Community for the great post on Facebook!  I never got that out of reading the prodigal son parable, even though, I studied a whole book on it once.  I found it comforting and just knowing that Mr. Acuff stuggles with the same things I do helped.

Second, 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself (http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/) was posted by my friend, Lisa, on Facebook and I read it.  There are some of the typical things like, stop living in the past or stop letting people get you down.  There were a few that stood out to me but one of the 30 literally jumped out at me.  This is my resolution.

29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen - Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

This, unfortunately, is one of my character flaws.  I focus on the negative.  I always have.  It’s not that I don’t see the positive things, I do – but the negative things or the things I fear are always trying to take the place of the sunshine and happiness I’m seeing.  For example, I have an AMAZING boyfriend who actually really likes me and instead of focusing on that, I get scared that I’m going to lose him.  This is the wrong thing to do.  Instead, I need to focus on our future, because it is certainly full of sunshine and happiness.  

Easier said than done.  It’s easy to worry about things, what will happen if my heat breaks, what if I lose my job, what if I don’t like my new hair cut, what if they don’t like me….I could go on and on.  These thoughts only lead to assumptions and those assumptions are likely wrong.  When all you see is negative your world will become dark.  God is light.  Let the light in, it’s what He wants for us!  

My resolution: Pray for light to shine bright in my life and to stop focusing on what I don’t want to happen and start focusing on what I do want to happen.  Stay tuned, I think 2012 is going to be a great year.  I will find my confidence in my faith, myself, and my relationships again.  I am resilient, after all, God made me this way!

Joy, Joyous, Joyful…..halleluiah

Pastor Kevin was on point this past Sunday when he spoke about Simple Joy.  His words were needed and true.  It got me thinking.  So, I was looking at the New Living Translation of the Bible on YouVersion today and decided to do a bit of research.  How many times does the word Joy appear in the Bible?  What about happiness, content, or grateful?  If the concept of Joy was as important as PK says it is, logically, it should appear many times in His word, right?  Here is what I found:

Joy appears 333 times.

Happiness appears 6 times.

Content appears 16 times.

Grateful appears 4 times.

Faith appears 458 times.

Pray appears 367 times.

Interesting.  I mean, we all know how important our faith is and how imperative it is to have a healthy prayer life-but I think we may have missed the meaning of Joy.  PK says that Simple Joy is being content without being complacent.  In order to be content you must be grateful and in order to avoid complacency, you have to constantly seek to grow.  Seems easy enough, right?  The concept is simple, but achieving it is not so simple.

Are you content with what you have?  Look around your house, do you see all that you have or all that you don’t have but wished you had?  Do you look at the people in your life and see God’s hand?  Do you look at someone less fortunate and think about how blessed you are?  Do you thank God for all that He has provided for you?  If not, you should.  We all should. 

I think we need to stop looking to our sides what our peers have.  We need to stop looking back at all that we used to have.  We need to stop looking forward to the day when we will have all the things we want.  We need to look up, at God.  If you spend your life thinking about all the things you wished you had, whether that is material things, the dream job, the comfortable salary, or the perfect husband and kids you will have a life lacking joy.  You will miss all the beauty and joy that surrounds you everyday.  I have food, I have shelter over my head when I sleep, and I have clothes on my back.  I have an abundance of friends and family who love me. I have faith and hope.  I can see God working around me all the time.  I have more than what I could ever need.  We all do.  We just need to get better about thanking the Provider of all those blessings.  When we focus on what we have and we give thanks for them, it’s hard to see anything else.

Maybe, if we practice this, we’ll see that we have abundance and start giving ourselves away.  We can then bless others with the gift of Joy.  After all, I think God really thinks Joy is important, considering He put it in the Bible 333 times.  That’s a lot of Joy.

How can you be more Joyful?

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. -Psalm 51:12

What really matters....

I'm tired. Like, really tired. I have filled my life with so much stuff but I think I left out any room to breathe. I find myself day dreaming of extra hours in the day or an extra day added onto my weekend. I'm sure you can relate. I cannot remember the last time I actually had an evening, afternoon, or morning to do whatever I wanted. If I do find myself with a rare block of time, I fill it up with my own "honey-do's". Clean, laundry, yard work, that project I've been putting off....you name it. I don't think I even know how to relax anymore. I am literally a ball of stress and that stress is weighing me down.

Cut something out of your schedule, you say? Hmmm. I thought about that. However, that would mean the slowing down of important relationships I've been building, less worship time, less time with my niece and family, less time helping others, less girl time. I DON'T want to cut any of those out.

I found myself whining today. I was feeling sorry for myself because I have too much on my plate and not enough time to do it all.  My to-do list is mounting in my head and I don't see a time in the near future that I can even start on some of this stuff. I had a phone conversation where I was actually complaining about my life and how busy it is.  Then, God put things into perspective like he always does.....

After I got off the phone, I decided to watch a 9-11 Ten Years Later documentary my brother had on his DVR. It was about the NYFD and video from a documentary crew who happened to be in Tower I with the firemen when Tower II collapsed. It was a heart wrenching story. You cannot help but be moved and effected by their story.

How does this relate to me? In every way. On the way home last night, I started thinking about what those men must have felt when the Tower's started going down. I'm sure they did not think of the petty little stresses of everyday life. I think they were probably focusing on what truely matters.  They were looking death in the face and I have a feeling they KNEW what was important in life. If I were in their shoes, what would I be worried about? The laundry? The unvacuumed floor? The shows on my DVR that I haven't had time to watch? The window sills that need repair? No. I wouldn't be thinking of any of those things. I would be thinking about the people I love. I would wonder if I had told them I love them enough.  If they knew how much they meant to me and they impact each of them have had on my life. I would wonder what my legacy would be, what people would remember about me. I would wonder if I had done enough to help others, if I had made a difference to someone. 

At the end of the day only 3 things REALLY matter to me. God, relationships, and serving others. I'm glad I had some time to reflect on my life and really see it for what it is. God took the hazy glasses off my eyes to allow me to see clearly for the first time in a long time.  My life is full of those things that really really matter to me. It's those things that keep me so busy. I'm realizing now that those things are nothing to stress over, they are to be cherished. I don't think I knew how blessed I was until now. I am so thankful for the gentle way that God shows me what is true and what is real. I have a full life. My question to you is: What matters to you and are you filling your life with those things?

Have a little faith...

Let's be honest for a minute. Life is really hard. Not just a little hard, but really hard. You know what is particularly hard about life? Waiting on God. Yep, I said it. I don't like waiting on God. I know I'm not alone in thinking that either. There have been days where I just want to throw a tantrum like I was a two year old.....stomping my feet, crying, sticking my lower lip out, huffing and puffing, the whole 9 yards. I've been blessed with a lot of things, patience is not one of them.

I want a lot out of life too. I think God places things on your heart for a reason. It's the waiting for Him to provide those things that is difficult. I had a conversation recently with a woman standing exactly where I was this time last year. She feels she's ready for love, ready for a husband, ready for all that comes with it. So much so that she walks into many situations with that on her mind. I know lots of people reading this can identify. It's a stressful place to be. But, God does come through EVERYTIME. He will provide the desires of your heart. He will take care of you.

The problem is, when you take control of the situation and try to provide all those things for yourself, you are literally taking it away from God. You are stealing his gifts. What we would find for ourselves is nowhere near as good as what he will GIVE to us one day. When you stop looking or stop trying to mold each person or situation to your liking, you are OPEN. Open to all that God WANTS to give you.

This time last year I would've never guessed what God had in store for me. Ohhhhh He has blessed me this year. All of the things I wanted, I have been given or He has filled me with the hope and faith I need to wait on those things. Once I stopped trying to force things, I could see clearly. I could see that even when I felt that God had abandoned me, He was there working on me little by little to get me where I am now.

So, while it's hard to wait, trust, and have faith-it's what we're called to do. We have to just give it to God. He knows what's best for us. If a door closes or slams (it does in some cases) it is for a reason. God will only give us the best and when He slams a door, it is certainly for the best. I challenge you to simply trust our Father, just trust Him. That's all.

Life in the rear view....

Don’t look back.....

Wise words, only I don’t feel that they always apply.  I think it’s good to look back.  Sometimes, that’s the only way to see how far you’ve actually come.  Be prepared though, the view in the rearview mirror may be eye opening.  You may not recognize the person you see……

Insecure.  Lost.  Disconnected.  Without purpose. Wandering. Scared.  Defensive.  Superficial.  Indulgent.  Addicted.  Dismissible.  Pretending.  These are words that describe the person I see when I look back at myself.  On the outside, I appeared to have it all together, I seemed happy….but I know the truth about that girl.  She was a liar and a really good actress.  She didn’t have anything together, she was fumbling and searching.  This story has a good ending though.  I was found.

*Side note: The description above does not reflect the good things and good people I had in my life-there were plenty, believe me.  I was just missing several pieces of my whole self.

It wasn’t some giant epiphany that turned my life around; it was tiny step by tiny step.  It was as if I was a puzzle, except I was missing A LOT of pieces.  The first piece: Church.  At first it was a place I would go occasionally on Sunday’s with my brother and sister-in-law.  Then it was a place I would go occasionally by myself.  Which turned into a place I looked forward to going EVERY Sunday.  

The second piece: Breaking up with cigarettes and getting healthy.  It’s been 10 months and 19 days since I had my last cigarette.  September 24^th used to just be my brothers birthday-now, it’s my freedom day too.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and by far the best decision I’ve ever made.  I think the impact came more from respecting the body that God gave me and the personal triumph of actually being able to quit cold turkey after 11 years of addiction.

The third piece: Connecting.  This was a little harder for me.  I used to sit at church alone and look around at all the “friends” who were meeting for church.  I wanted that, but I didn’t know how to get there.  I joined a small group and I really enjoyed the connections I made with other new believers.  It still wasn’t the right fit, I needed more.  Enter-the Transitional Community at 12Stone (now known as Leverage).  I signed up the first day of small group sign ups.  I couldn’t wait to be in group with other women in the same life stage as I was.  Walking into Emily Tuten’s home would prove to be a pivotal moment in my life.  I made friends that I KNOW will be bridesmaids in my wedding and who will hold my hand throughout my entire life.  The impact that some of these wonderful women have had on my life cannot even be put into words.  I was lost and they found me and introduced me to what a relationship with our Lord actually looks like. They challenge me, support me, encourage me, and laugh with me.  I also met a wonderful man of God who showed me what a healthy relationship looks like.  He doesn’t expect me to be perfect and actually likes that I’m not.  For the first time in my life I feel accepted and beautiful.  What a wonderful feeling.

The fourth piece: Giving myself away.  Serving-I started serving in the nursery at church and I went on my first mission trip to Guatemala.  I have discovered that I love giving myself away.  What’s even more surprising to me is that God has actually used me to do His work-who would’ve thought that was possible 2 years ago?  Not me!  Now I’m going to serve and give back to Leverage, the community that has given me a life worth living.

Confident. Healthy. Strong. Driven. Faithful. Hopeful. Kind. Happy. Blessed. Grateful. Content. Happy. Happy. Happy.  These are the words I would use to describe myself now.  God certainly is good.  So you see, it’s not always bad to look back.  Sometimes, it makes you appreciate looking down at yourself in the present and excited to see yourself in the future.

The big 3 ohhhhhhh......

30… Ouch.  The thought of actually, for real, undeniably being 30 years old in a few weeks is not pleasant.  I don’t know what it is, 30 really isn’t that old.  It’s just not 20 or 16.  Those numbers exude youth and vibrancy.  30 sounds like responsibility and the beginning of aches, pains, sagging, wrinkles and the occasional grey hairs popping up.  

I seem to find myself reflecting on my life.  Where I thought I would be and where I actually am.  I wanted to be lots of things ‘When I Grow Up’.  First up, dolphin trainer.  This career goal started around the age of 7 or so and continues to enter my mind from time to time, kind of like the ‘dream that got away’. I wanted to live on the ocean and play with dolphins all day everyday.  I read everything I could get my little hands on about dolphins and seriously considered myself an expert on the species.  I felt confident that I could do the job better than anyone else, including any adult with the proper qualifications who was currently doing my dream job.  The fact that I needed the Hope scholarship to go to college and the University of Miami’s marine biology school was in Florida, where I couldn’t use that scholarship, killed my dream.

At some point around 11 or 12 I decided I wanted to be a doctor.  First it was a Pediatrician then I narrowed it down to an Anesthesiologist.  After all, the way I saw it, they didn’t have to do very much and made a boat load of money.  Then I learned that instead of 4 years of college, it was more like 10+ to accomplish this goal.  I gave up on having an MD after my name.

What do you get when you combine animals and medicine?  My job.  It’s kind of funny, I literally combined aspects of those two dreams to come up with the career I settled on and pursued.  It all worked out.  Although, I would still move to the Bahamas to be a dolphin trainer if given the chance.

I always thought people who were 30 had it all figured out.  That they had their stuff together.  Ha!  I was really wrong.  I don’t have anything figured out other than a few things:

• There is a God and I trust Him and I will spend my life following Him.
• Ranch dressing goes with everything
• Sparkly things will always catch my eye
• People falling down, mascots, and funny animals will never get old
• There’s no sense in stressing out about things I have no control over
• If I make life plans and timelines, God laughs.
• Good friends are hard to come by and worth holding onto

Let’s be honest, I’m not where I thought I would be at 30.  I don’t have the husband or perfect little mini-me’s running around or the high paying job that is super rewarding.  And since we're being honest....it's totally ok that I don't have those things.  I have plenty of time for those things, if it's what God wants for my life.  I do have a lot of great friends, some really stellar key players in my life, a great job that can take me places, a good heart, a lot of hope, and a lot of faith.  It's not what I thought of my life when I thought of 'Jenny at 30', but it's exactly where I need to be.  I’ve seen what God can do with little ‘ole me in a short period of time and I can honestly say I’ve never been so excited about my future.  It’s looking brighter and brighter every single day.  Bring it on 30!

Mi corazón

I went into this mission trip with no expectations.  I didn’t know what to expect.  I put 100% of my faith in God that I would be where He needed me to be, doing what He needed me to do, and He would keep me safe and healthy the whole time.  Trust God, that’s all I needed to do to make this a successful trip.  I’m not ready to talk about the sad things I saw or the pain my heart felt.  I do want to share some bright moments though.

I tend to get frustrated because I don’t feel like I can hear God speak to me.  Either I don’t notice the little nudges or that’s just not how He speaks to me.  So, whenever He yells at me, I need to listen.  He certainly got my attention on the first night.  On the plane ride down, I sat next to Ashley McLean and through general conversation; I basically shared my testimony with her.  I didn’t think much of it, just sharing with a friend.  Then at dinner, Pastor Luis called for a few people to share their testimonies at church the next day.  He said that the people of Guatemala think that American’s have it easy, that we never struggle or have hardships such as divorce, addiction, let downs, ect.  So, I sat there, heart racing knowing that God was speaking to me.  Divorce, check.  Addiction, check.  Life’s let downs, check.  Then Ashley turns to me and says, “Do you feel that?”  Yes, Ashley, I did.  I knew that I was supposed to share my testimony.

After we ate, we sat around talking as a team and Sabrina Joseph shared her testimony.  Powerful does not even begin to describe it.  I sat there wondering why God wanted me to share my not so powerful story when Sabrina was also going to be sharing her’s.  Her story is miraculous, mine is just normal.  I can’t ignore God though, even though I wanted to, so I brushed off the self doubt and tried to prepare for the next morning.  

I gave my testimony with the translation help of Pastor Luis.  During that experience, God taught me a lesson.  Sometimes, it’s not about how your actions effect others, sometimes it’s just about obedience.  God spoke, I listened.  I could have ignored His request of me.  Instead, I obeyed.  Maybe my story wasn’t as powerful as Sabrina’s.  Maybe my story didn’t affect the Guatemalan people in a deep way.  It did affect my relationship with my Father, that’s what matters.

Joy.  That’s what I saw in the innocent eyes of the precious children.  Pure joy.  They have nothing, but they don’t know it.  They love freely, smile all the time, and care for perfect strangers.  We could all learn from them.  I have everything but still want for more.  I can easily put a wall up and not love.  I could serve more, care more.  Those babies gave me more than I could ever give them.  I clearly saw my faults and I will work on them.  I will forget how to build my walls.  I will open my heart more.  I will be more thankful.  I will give more of myself away.

I was also blessed to be on this trip with someone very dear to me, mi novio-Matt.  Having someone by my side that I trust 100% was such a blessing.  I was able to see this wonderful man doing wonderful things.  I got to see him interact with kids for the first time.  He was amazing with them and they loved him.  I was standing in the church in Panyebar and looked out the window to see him scoop up a little girl, hug her tightly, and spin around with her in his arms.  My heart melted.  I was also able to see him as a leader.  He led devotionals one night and he knocked it out of the park.  He is more encouraging and faithful than I ever knew.  I am so blessed that God allowed me to see Matt in this light.  It made me that much more thankful to be his girlfriend and to have been given a second chance with him.  The future is looking brighter and brighter everyday.

So, that’s just a little touch of what I was given by Guatemala.  There is no way that I could ever repay the people for what they have taught me.  My heart is open and beating loudly, it will never be the same.