Life in the rear view....

Don’t look back.....

Wise words, only I don’t feel that they always apply.  I think it’s good to look back.  Sometimes, that’s the only way to see how far you’ve actually come.  Be prepared though, the view in the rearview mirror may be eye opening.  You may not recognize the person you see……

Insecure.  Lost.  Disconnected.  Without purpose. Wandering. Scared.  Defensive.  Superficial.  Indulgent.  Addicted.  Dismissible.  Pretending.  These are words that describe the person I see when I look back at myself.  On the outside, I appeared to have it all together, I seemed happy….but I know the truth about that girl.  She was a liar and a really good actress.  She didn’t have anything together, she was fumbling and searching.  This story has a good ending though.  I was found.

*Side note: The description above does not reflect the good things and good people I had in my life-there were plenty, believe me.  I was just missing several pieces of my whole self.

It wasn’t some giant epiphany that turned my life around; it was tiny step by tiny step.  It was as if I was a puzzle, except I was missing A LOT of pieces.  The first piece: Church.  At first it was a place I would go occasionally on Sunday’s with my brother and sister-in-law.  Then it was a place I would go occasionally by myself.  Which turned into a place I looked forward to going EVERY Sunday.  

The second piece: Breaking up with cigarettes and getting healthy.  It’s been 10 months and 19 days since I had my last cigarette.  September 24^th used to just be my brothers birthday-now, it’s my freedom day too.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and by far the best decision I’ve ever made.  I think the impact came more from respecting the body that God gave me and the personal triumph of actually being able to quit cold turkey after 11 years of addiction.

The third piece: Connecting.  This was a little harder for me.  I used to sit at church alone and look around at all the “friends” who were meeting for church.  I wanted that, but I didn’t know how to get there.  I joined a small group and I really enjoyed the connections I made with other new believers.  It still wasn’t the right fit, I needed more.  Enter-the Transitional Community at 12Stone (now known as Leverage).  I signed up the first day of small group sign ups.  I couldn’t wait to be in group with other women in the same life stage as I was.  Walking into Emily Tuten’s home would prove to be a pivotal moment in my life.  I made friends that I KNOW will be bridesmaids in my wedding and who will hold my hand throughout my entire life.  The impact that some of these wonderful women have had on my life cannot even be put into words.  I was lost and they found me and introduced me to what a relationship with our Lord actually looks like. They challenge me, support me, encourage me, and laugh with me.  I also met a wonderful man of God who showed me what a healthy relationship looks like.  He doesn’t expect me to be perfect and actually likes that I’m not.  For the first time in my life I feel accepted and beautiful.  What a wonderful feeling.

The fourth piece: Giving myself away.  Serving-I started serving in the nursery at church and I went on my first mission trip to Guatemala.  I have discovered that I love giving myself away.  What’s even more surprising to me is that God has actually used me to do His work-who would’ve thought that was possible 2 years ago?  Not me!  Now I’m going to serve and give back to Leverage, the community that has given me a life worth living.

Confident. Healthy. Strong. Driven. Faithful. Hopeful. Kind. Happy. Blessed. Grateful. Content. Happy. Happy. Happy.  These are the words I would use to describe myself now.  God certainly is good.  So you see, it’s not always bad to look back.  Sometimes, it makes you appreciate looking down at yourself in the present and excited to see yourself in the future.